John's Open Letter to the Woman Who Fell Into The Fountain While Texting

Cathy Cruiz Marrero a.k.a Fountain-Falling Simpleton

Meet the woman that was so preoccupied texting that she fell into a mall fountain- the security video went viral and she hired a lawyer to sue.... someone over her moistened distress.

DEAR IDIOT,
I'm sure you've seen the footage (most of the country has by now) but NO ONE knew it was YOU.... not that in your own delusional, sally-housecoat suburban existence you're not a bright, shining star as the woman who kinda' looks like a "slow" Justin Bieber - but the footage is so terrible there's no possible way any CSI /Criminology Department with all the technology available to them, much less mall security, could determine the sex of the MORON walking into the fountain while texting, much less that it was specifically YOU!

The idea of going on national television-Good Morning America (I'm an IDIOT) - and opening your mouth was ill-advised but did accomplish two important things for you; (A) Made people realize you can't speak (much less walk and text) and (B)SHOW YOUR FACE TO THE NATION! Which, if you're trying to avoid public humiliation and ridicule is, and I'm just guessing here, the THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU COULD DO!

By the way, good move having the ambulance-chasing attorney sit in close proximity to you during the interview, I'd like to say it made you look more like a bad ventriloquist's dummy than a sympathetic figure - but that would be offending to ventriloquist dummies and inanimate objects world wide.

You say, "No one helped you after you fell into the mall fountain" possibly, again guessing here, it was because you quickly walked away in embarrassment because you just WALKED INTO A MALL FOUNTAIN and they were too busy... wait for it... LAUGHING THEIR COLLECTIVE ASSES OFF at how utterly stupid you were. Have you ever tried to walk and laugh your ass off? You can't do it... much like walking and texting - it simply can't be done without something embarrassing happening to you like, oh I don't know... FALLING INTO A MALL FOUNTAIN!

Cathy, DARWIN tried to drown you for a reason- if evolution wanted you to live he would have provided you with a blowhole and hammer thumbs so you could walk, text and fall into water without the inherent threat of drowning on your way back from Cinnabon. I hope you realize the fact that you survived spells doom for future generations of walking and texting single-celled simpletons in a ripple effect reminiscent of a butterfly's wings causing a tsunami on the other side of the world.

Let's end on a positive note. You should be thankful that fate finally intervened and doused your body in a Garanimals type of karmetic fate... matching your wet blanket personality with an appropriate wardrobe. And think of it this way, o' moist moron of the mall, the lawsuit that you will inevitably file won't hold even half the water that you do.

Congrats and Happy Texting

John