Friday, January 21, 2011

Say CHEESE(heads)!

According to the head-cheese at Wisconsin-based Foamation -- creators of the iconic headgear -- the company has had to bring in extra staff to keep up with the surge in orders ... "literally thousands coming in every day."

We're told the official pro shop at Lambeau Field went through 1,000 cheese-heads this week alone -- filling orders from as far away as the United Kingdom.

The Queso kings also tell us that they've got deals in place pending on the outcome of the game -- and if Green Bay defeats the Chicago Bears ... they'll be rolling in cheddah!!!

Life Imitating Seinfeld - O.B. Worthy ???

What would you pay for a box of tampons ... five bucks? Ten? How about 75 dollars? That's the price on an eBay auction of o.b. non-applicator tampons, which have suddenly become virtually impossible to find on store shelves. There's been no announcement about why the product has disappeared. No recall was ordered, and manufacturer Johnson and Johnson simply calls it "a temporary supply interruption" that will be addressed soon.

So what is the deal????


Debbie Stoller, editor of Bust magazine, says, "It has been a big deal because it's one of the only non-applicator tampons you can buy. People who choose to use this are a little bit politicized around it. They feel very strongly about these tampons."

Kinda' Like "The Sponge" .... Are You Sponge-Worthy

Thursday, January 20, 2011

John's Open Letter to the Woman Who Fell Into The Fountain While Texting

Cathy Cruiz Marrero a.k.a Fountain-Falling Simpleton

Meet the woman that was so preoccupied texting that she fell into a mall fountain- the security video went viral and she hired a lawyer to sue.... someone over her moistened distress.

I'm sure you've seen the footage (most of the country has by now) but NO ONE knew it was YOU.... not that in your own delusional, sally-housecoat suburban existence you're not a bright, shining star as the woman who kinda' looks like a "slow" Justin Bieber - but the footage is so terrible there's no possible way any CSI /Criminology Department with all the technology available to them, much less mall security, could determine the sex of the MORON walking into the fountain while texting, much less that it was specifically YOU!

The idea of going on national television-Good Morning America (I'm an IDIOT) - and opening your mouth was ill-advised but did accomplish two important things for you; (A) Made people realize you can't speak (much less walk and text) and (B)SHOW YOUR FACE TO THE NATION! Which, if you're trying to avoid public humiliation and ridicule is, and I'm just guessing here, the THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU COULD DO!

By the way, good move having the ambulance-chasing attorney sit in close proximity to you during the interview, I'd like to say it made you look more like a bad ventriloquist's dummy than a sympathetic figure - but that would be offending to ventriloquist dummies and inanimate objects world wide.

You say, "No one helped you after you fell into the mall fountain" possibly, again guessing here, it was because you quickly walked away in embarrassment because you just WALKED INTO A MALL FOUNTAIN and they were too busy... wait for it... LAUGHING THEIR COLLECTIVE ASSES OFF at how utterly stupid you were. Have you ever tried to walk and laugh your ass off? You can't do it... much like walking and texting - it simply can't be done without something embarrassing happening to you like, oh I don't know... FALLING INTO A MALL FOUNTAIN!

Cathy, DARWIN tried to drown you for a reason- if evolution wanted you to live he would have provided you with a blowhole and hammer thumbs so you could walk, text and fall into water without the inherent threat of drowning on your way back from Cinnabon. I hope you realize the fact that you survived spells doom for future generations of walking and texting single-celled simpletons in a ripple effect reminiscent of a butterfly's wings causing a tsunami on the other side of the world.

Let's end on a positive note. You should be thankful that fate finally intervened and doused your body in a Garanimals type of karmetic fate... matching your wet blanket personality with an appropriate wardrobe. And think of it this way, o' moist moron of the mall, the lawsuit that you will inevitably file won't hold even half the water that you do.

Congrats and Happy Texting


It's Fogging Cold Out There

Are you complaining about how cold it is outside? How cold is it? 40 degrees? 30 degrees? Maybe 20? That's nothing. Try 20 below zero. That's really cold. It's so cold that water turns to vapor in the blink of an eye.

(Not) Too Fast For Law (a.k.a. Motley Sued)

Motley Crue and concert promoter Live Nation are facing a lawsuit over the belt buckle photo on the cover of Motley's 1981 debut album, Too Fast for Love. The photo is featured on the back of a hoodie being sold on tour, but Ron Toma, in papers filed in federal court in Chicago, says he owns the copyright and that he didn't grant permission for it to appear on the sweatshirts. The photo was taken by Michael Pinter.

The 2nd Worse Grassy Knoll in Dallas

"Step Right Up Folks and Don't Be Shy!"

Here's the deal... You travel to Dallas, Texas... give me $200 and then I send you through a thorough security processing (use your imagination and a rubber glove) then I'll give you a "scarf"(in TEXAS?) a game program, charge you $10+ per beer and THEN the magic begins.... You have to stand (not sit... NO SEAT FOR YOU!) in a mosh pit of humanity and stare up at a screen OUTSIDE the stadium that the ACTUAL game is taking place in... only in Texas and only at "Jerry World" the site of Super Bowl.
That's the deal! Shake my hand son... and move to the back of the line. This "genius plan"was all brought about by Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, his "desire" to break the Super Bowl record for biggest crowd, which was set in 1980 when 103,985 attended the game at the Rose Bowl.
How people standing outside a stadium counts as attendance is beyond me.
They're calling it "The Party Plaza" Ohhhh! Ahhhhh! I can hear the carnival barker already calling out... "Step Right Up Folks... experience the Super Bowl like no one has EVER experienced it before!!!" Or should NEVER have to again.
I'm calling it the 2nd worse thing to happen on a grassy knoll in Dallas since.... well... that would be in poor taste and there's too much of that in Jerry's World already.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"C" is for Chicago... Cutler... Cover and Curse

"C" is for Chicago... Cutler... Cover and Curse
I'm just sayin'.....

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


No Words Necessary... ENJOY!

Just a Pawn in Game of Life

Florida Freak File

A St. Petersburg woman is facing a charge of battery after allegedly slapping a police horse in the nose. Authorities say 29-year-old Stephanie Six hit the animal as a mounted officer was trying to control crowds in downtown St. Petersburg early Saturday morning. Six was released from jail later that day.